Yes, I work EVERY Friday

Last year, after I just returned to work and was desperately trying to find my sea legs, a neighbor of mine left a package on our doorstep. In the bag was a pile of baby blankets, burp rags and a flier for a local mothers' support group. She left a handwritten invitation to participate in some of the activities offered and I immediately and desperately looked up the website. Despite the claim that this organization supports all mothers in the pioneer valley, not a single event took place at night or on weekends. "Thanks, neighbor, but %$#*@! you!" I felt like yelling. I was down and she kicked me; I had an open wound and she rubbed salt AND lemon in it. I never said thank you and never responded to the gesture.

A year later, when walking home from the daycare, said neighbor was out with her son and the interaction was unavoidable. I told her why I never called and how her gift made me feel. She sympathized and told me her organization was starting a new support group for working moms. I felt hopeful and glad I was able to be honest and not angry with her.

During the holidays, I took a week off from work to hang out with Alan and Delia at home. We've been going to the YMCA for family swim and ran into this same neighbor one morning. "Do you usually come on Fridays?" she asked innocently. I reminded her that I continued to work full time and this was a special occasion. "Would you like to start walking with me in the afternoons?" she countered. I reminded her again that I work over 50 hours a week and don't get home until well after dark.

Of my many complaints about working full time with a toddler, social isolation is probably number 2 on the list. I greatly appreciate when friends and acquaintances reach out, but it often makes it more painful to have a glimpse at the social life that could be, but isn't.

In 2008, I am going to try to be less angry about the situation over which I have no control. I've talked to the support group about setting up a buddy system for working moms to give them much needed support that doesn't require a time commitment. I'll continue to remind people like my neighbor that many of us do work, are not flexible and have to make sacrifices when it comes to friends, family, and hobbies. The more people are aware of these issues, the more power we have to negotiate change at the political and community level. (Please! A library story hour on a weekend!) If interested: www.momsrising.org

Sammy and Delia sitting in a tree...

Our friend Samuel came for a night this week and brought his parents, Adam and Miriam. The children blessed us by going to bed easily and early, allowing the grown ups to enjoy each others' conversation and company. Delia loves babies and Sammy was particularly special. She patted his head, brought burp rags when needed and gave lots of kisses. As Sam's dad noted, "Only 4 months and he's gotten to first base!"

My little Tenenbaum

I picked Delia up at daycare on Friday and was cuddling with another child when Delia ran over upset and jealous. I had both girls in my arms and both were crying. Ava starting pushing Delia quite hard and Delia's arms shot out towards her. Before I could stop her, Delia had her arms around Ava and was patting her back to comfort her. To me, this speaks volumes about Delia's personality. Her daycare providers comment frequently that she is able to stand up for herself but is never pushy with the other children. She loves to be helpful and usually follows instructions. While Delia hasn't mastered sign language, elimination communication or started speaking in sentences, I couldn't be prouder of my little girl.

Soooo big

Delia's current likes include:
kisses
dancing
markers (washable, of course)
the recycling bin
reading books
The Grinch
clementines
feeding herself with a fork
Stuart
wearing sunglasses
swim class
snow days

Her dislikes include:
her green rubber duckie
Dad cooking
meat
Mom wearing a coat
washing her hair

snow

Kids grow up so fast these days

Snow Day

We've been hit by two big storms this week, leaving us with over a foot of snow. Alan has run out of places to put the snow from our driveway. Although Delia's going stir crazy in the house, she's doesn't seem to like being outside so much these days. We're playing a lot of hide and seek (she always wins) and doing laps around the first floor. Day care is closed the week between Christmas and New Year's--looks like it's going to be a long one.

Holidays

We traveled to El Dorado, Arkansas for Thanksgiving this year. While Delia did not enjoy the fried turkey, she did enjoy getting to know her extended family. She gave lots of hugs and kisses to her aunts, uncles, and cousins and was a total charmer. She became particularly attached to cousin Murron.

In anticipation of Christmas, we are teaching Delia some snowman self defense.

An object at rest remains at rest

For the first time in memory, Delia fell asleep in my arms today. She is a typical 15-month old that never stops moving (just like her mother), so this was a cherished moment. We lead such a hectic life that it was nice to feel the Delia's weight against my chest, the rhythm of her breathing and rest for a half an hour.

raising a confident girl

We try very hard to make sure Delia is a self confident girl. Does it look like we're successful?

Time change= Torture for parents

Ok, this is a really old photo, but we feel just as tired now as we did in the first month. How long does it take for the babes to adjust to the time change? We are a little tired of seeing 4:30 in the morning...long before the sun rises, before the paper arrives, before Morning Edition, even before the dog wants to be fed. We feel blessed to have a good sleeper, but if anyone has advice on how to get her to sleep in, feel free to let us know your secrets.

I'm not one to self-diagnose, but I was convinced last week that I had myasthenia gravis (an autoimmune disorder that causes neuromuscular weakness) because I couldn't keep my eyes open past 8 pm. Alan rightly pointed out that everything else was working fine but the eyelids. Is is legal to call in tired to work?

If the Mother's Helper was valium, the Working Mother's Helper should be amphetamines!

Soap Box Part 2: Universal insurance doesn't mean universal healthcare

Massachusetts has been on the forefront of social change in the part 5 years. We are the first state to legalize gay marriage and the first to offer (nearly) universal health "care". I put it in quotes because we are offered insurance but there is not enough care.

I work at a community health center in a very needy community with a tremendously high rate of diabetes, HIV, drug abuse and mental illness. We are what's called a "safety net provider", a clinic that provides care to people who can't go elsewhere. We are also the portal of entry for many chronically ill Puerto Ricans who emigrate for better health care. We have many very talented and dedicated providers eager to care for these difficult patients, but we are drowning.

We see over 200 new patients in our clinic every month, mostly through our acute care clinic and have absolutely no way of providing adequate ongoing care or chronic disease management. Waiting lists have expanded to the point of uselessness, providers get burnt out and frustrated and the patients wait. It is likely that our health center, the safety net provider for our part of the state, will close its doors to new patients in the coming months, leaving no other options for hundreds, if not thousands of needy people.

Although most of these people have social security numbers and qualify for state-sponsored insurance, there is no access to care. Limited numbers of offices accept this low-reimbursement insurance and those that do are absolutely overwhelmed. Very few graduates from medical school choose family practice, internal medicine, or pediatrics residencies. Those that do often go on to specialize and have more lucrative practices. I am one of 2 of my intern class of 66 that practices general internal medicine. 64 have gone on to become cardiologists, oncologists, and gastroenterologists--all specialists that rely on primary care clinics for referrals.

On another level, this is a feminist issue. Most of the med school grads bound for primary care jobs are women. Young women sometimes get married and have babies. Balancing work and family is difficult in the best of circumstances, but being a primary care provider with pressure to see more and increasingly sicker patients without higher pay and a flexible schedule is horrendous. Frankly, despite my altruistic nature, sometimes I don't think it's worth it.

I don't know what the answers are to improve access to care, but the solution will have to be multi-dimensional. The work environment needs to be supportive and family-friendly, medical schools and residencies need to promote primary care jobs more effectively, we need more doctors, and reimbursement for the poorer patients (and often the sickest) needs to be better.

I am proud to be from a state with progressive values and I think we will learn a lot in the upcoming year about our broken health care system. I think big business, republicans, and democrats are all thinking about single-payer health care in a new way, but we can't expand a severely broken system without disastrous consequences for our most vulnerable citizens.

By the way, gay marriage is working out MUCH better.

The lady doth protest: Delia's first temper tantrum

Delia was a very unhappy girl at day care today. When her favorite teacher wouldn't/couldn't pick her up, Delia threw herself on the floor, kicking and screaming. We've always known that Delia was advanced, but we didn't think it would apply to the mood swings of the terrible twos. Unluckily for her (but perhaps luckily for us), she smashed her head into the floor. We're really hoping that negative reinforcement helps to stave off more of these episodes in the future.

Welcome Sammy!

This is a photo of our dear friend Miriam and her son, Samuel. Sammy has been a long time coming and we're so glad he's finally arrived. It was so hard to watch Miriam and her husband Adam wait for Sammy, especially when we had Delia. Having a baby brings a tremendous amount of joy and love to a couple, but it certainly changes the dynamic between a new family and old friends. We're glad you're here, Baby Love; you're a very welcome addition to our extended family. You are a very lucky little boy!

The only thing cuter than Delia is Delia with a baby alpaca

It's been a busy fall in the vanEagleGiessen household. Alan is teaching and applying for jobs, I am working, taking spanish, and knitting up a storm. Delia rearranges the tupperware daily and tries hard to point out lapses in our baby proofing efforts. We had a visit from Alan's parents, who hadn't seen Delia in 6 months! We went north to visit an alpaca farm. Delia loved the baby alpacas and the feeling was mutual. Perhaps once we have a bigger yard...I'd have an endless supply of yarn and wouldn't need to mow so often. We are trying to enjoy the New England fall weather as much as possible before we're housebound for the winter. Delia is a walking champ and starting to talk a little more. She has become even more generous with hugs and kisses and her favorite place to be is in a lap with a book. She's knows how to "shake it" when the older kids at daycare are dancing and loves to listen to music. She is very excited about Halloween.

Knitting/Beth Update

Even through the summer, I've been knitting a lot. I still fantasize about chucking the traditional jobs and raising goats for milk to make cheese and sheep for the wool. However, on a 0.16 acre lot, I'll have to make do with the local yarn shops and farmers' market cheese. Work remains busy, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a pull-my-hair-out way. I've always been a bit of a luddite, but I have found a very cool way to learn spanish. I am taking a class via Skype with a teacher in Ecuador. We both have video and audio capability; we IM during the class to correct mistakes and homework is sent by email. It is just what I needed to get my butt in gear and practice speaking and writing. Fall has arrived and I am reminded every day why I love living in New England.

Delia Update

Delia is now 13 months old. We had a little family party for her birthday at her grandparents' house in Connecticut. She started walking about a week later and is now getting into everything. She says "Mommy", which can mean 'mommy', 'daddy', 'mine' or 'milk'. She's now sleeping through the night, which makes us love her even more. She remains a very good natured kid, often open-mouth kissing all of her classmates as they arrive at daycare. She loves to read books, dance, and pet the neighborhood dogs.

Naked Time

...for Delia and the pets, that is. Naked time started out of necesity many months ago when a diaper rash just wouldn't heal. It's now become part of the well-established routine in the vanEagleGiessen household and, speaking for everyone, it is the best part of the day. Mornings and afternoons are equally chaotic with two working parents, a toddler and a dog. Dinner usually is often a tearful affair with the dog getting most of Delia's dinner. Bathtime is quick and efficient; moods improve as the layers of sand, snot, and food get scraped off. Then we all toddle down the hall to hang out in Delia's room (cat and dog included). We let the dishes sit dirty in the kitchen. Clinic notes and lectures wait in backpacks. The dog's bladder is about to burst, but no matter. It is the only time of the day where we are focused on eachother. We read stories, blow bubbles, terrorize the dog and decompress from our stressful days. Once Delia has nursed, we sing a lullaby and say goodnight. Then it's off to walk the dog, clean the kitchen, pack lunches, return phone calls, grade homework, do paperwork....

Vacation

We've just returned from our first family vacation. We spent a few days on Block Island. BI is a gorgeous little island about 12 miles from Naragansett, Rhode Island. Many people liken its geography to Ireland. It is possible and quite easy to be car free on the island, although a disturbing number of people ferried over their SUVs. We rode our bikes with Delia in tow as far as she would let us. I think she gets a bit bored back there by herself, but her stuffed dromedary helped some. As nice as it was to get away from the responsibilities of home and work, travelling with an infant is not always so easy. She slept quite poorly in a strange environment and our condo was a baby-proofing nightmare. The highlight of the trip was the animal farm located next to our condo. Delia loved to watch and wave at the llamas, camels, bull, donkeys, and kangaroos. Poor Stuart seems a little boring after that crew. We ended up coming home a day early due to rain, sleep deprivation and my new affliction with solar urticaria (sun induced hives). We are now getting ready for Delia's first birthday!

No more ear infections!

Hooray for the ENT! Delia had tubes placed in both ears today and was a real champ. We are hoping that our days of broad spectrum antibiotics and motrin are over. She'll recover at home today and will go back to daycare tomorrow. We've even gotten the green light for swim class on Saturday. Delia is standing on her own and is very close to walking. She has learned how to take off her velcro shoes and, most importantly, learned how to unravel the toilet paper. Despite her often painful ears, she remains very cheerful and full of hugs and kisses for loved ones (and dogs).

Trip to the Beach

This past weekend we went to a friend's lake house in New Hampshire and got to see some friends from our years in Boston. We had good food, wine, conversation and, of course, knitting. From the look on Delia's face, you can tell the water was quite cold. But doesn't she look fantastic? This is one of my old swimsuits, circa 1973, that I found in my parents' attic last week. She now has four teeth, can cruise all over the house and has learned how to go down the stairs backwards. Unfortunately, we are still battling ear infections and the poor kid only had 10 days in between the last two. Although we have conflicting feelings about it, she's scheduled for tubes in 10 days. We will be happy to be antibiotic and ibuprofen free!

Soap Box

I think a lot about the plight of working parents. Returning to work after a baby is a roller coaster for a few months, so I gave myself some time to figure out how I really feel about the situation. It stinks. The maximum allowed leave for a new mom with the Family Medical Leave Act is 3 months. Many new moms who make minimum wage must return to work after FOUR weeks for financial reasons. The FMLA acts takes all the vacation/sick/personal time that a woman has accrued as part of maternity leave, so when she returns to work with a newborn and really needs some flexibility, there isn't any. Many women who return to work are still nursing their babies (and are encouraged strongly to do so by the American Academy of Pediatrics until at least 12 months) and their right to do so is not protected in all states. There's so much going against working parents, it's amazing that so many families make it work.

I've noticed a trend since I've connected with other new parents. Instead of fighting the system and working to make things better for everyone, many moms are part of the 'opt out' revolution. They are not forced to stay home, they opt to. They are not housewives, they are SAHMs (stay at home moms). It's great when families have this option, but when it's increasingly common, it makes things harder for the rest of us. For example:

1) Day Care. We were literally told by one center, "We don't believe infants should spend all day in day care." For whom are they providing care? Our current day care opens after I leave for work and closes when I'm still seeing patients. If it weren't for Alan's flexible schedule, we'd have to get a nanny (which we can't afford).

2) Car Seat Inspections. Our fire station offers the service on Wednesday mornings only. When I pointed out to them that this was extremely inconvenient for working families and that the fire station is open 24/7, I got a not-so-nice response.

3) Support Groups. New moms have a rough time and new parent groups are really important. I think working moms have a double whammy- pulled in many directions and no time for play groups or friends. My community is extremely pro-woman and pro-mom, but all the family programs are on weekdays. There's nothing out there for the women who need it most.

My European friends get 6 mo to 1 year of paid maternity leave, flexibile work options and protection of the right to breast feed and/or pump at work. Why is it that our country hasn't caught on to family friendly policies?

Interested in finding out more about policital activism on famly issues? www.momsrising.org`

The orange dress

So I thought I should finally post on this here blog. The orange dress is one of my favorite outfits that Delia owns. The hat, of course, is what makes it, with its unspecified animal head. Very cute, if I may say so. Delia likes to eat the ties. She's had it for some time and it's remarkable that it fit for so long. Sadly, the days of the orange dress are past.

Delia update

Delia is now nearing 10 months old. She is just about average in size and doing all the things she's supposed to do. She is a very speedy crawler and likes to get into the recycling bins. She is starting to pull up on things and is just figuring out the stairs. She is babbling a lot and we think 'dog' will be her first word. Delia is an extremely happy baby, very affectionate and silly. Her favorite things, in no particular order are: Stuart, Dad, yams, her alphabet books, milk, a good nap, Mom, swim class and Lego. Delia is not so fond of plane trips, ear infections, and beets.

Delia and Stuart

For those of you who know our dog, this is an amazing photo. We love Stu with all our hearts, but he's a bit of a mess. All heart and no brains, as Alan says. If Stuart had a vocabulary, 'gentle' would not be in it, but somehow he knows to be gentle with Delia. And Delia loves her puppy. She laughs and shrieks when he walks in the room. She feeds him cheerios, pokes him in the eyes and chews on his ears.

What's in a name?

So, a few years ago when Alan asked me to marry him, I sent out a mass email to my medical school classmates. I knew there would be speculation about whether or not I would change my name. I announced that we would be known as the van Eaglegiessens and the response I got was, well, tepid. One chum suggested some sort of intervention to let me know this was a stupid idea. C'mon people, it's a joke. To set the record straight, Lego and I are Eaglesons; Delia, Stuart and Alan are van Giessens. One family, two names.

Welcome to the first post

So, inspired by the blogging of various friends and frustrated by my inability to keep up with loved ones, I have decided to try my hand at this. I apologize ahead of time if we are not as timely as we should be about these things. Please check back soon and we'll try to have some recent pictures and family updates.